When is it Enough?

My best friend and sis from the other side of the United States asked me this question on Friday. I had told her how yet again I became humiliated and hurt by family. This story is nothing new to her or me but for some reason I was in extreme pain. Any other time when I experience family hurt I brush it off because I am so used to it, I have become numb. But this time, I wasn’t numb. I was in extreme pain, anger, intense sadness, and despair. During Face time my best friend could see the hurt in my eyes and I trying to cloud it over with an “I don’t care” facade. Nobody’s family is perfect but nobody deserves to be humiliated constantly. I don’t deserve to be used, abused, broken down, or someone’s minstrel show. I have been so used to this treatment that I just go with the flow. Ever since I can remember I’ve been abused. Abused by my mother, my siblings, emotional abuse by my father, used by “friends”, by men. When I am of no other use for them I am cast aside like a sporting fish. Friends using me when their other friends don’t have money to hang out with them, men using me when the woman they want don’t want them around. The older I got, the less patience I got with those who were not adding to my life so I just cut them off. But I have always had a weakness with my family, immediate and  extended,  allowing them to get away with mistreating me. Well, last week was the last straw and when my sis asked me “When is it Enough”? That was when my eyes finally opened and I became honest with myself. I am tired. Enough is enough. There is absolutely no more room for negativity in my life. Not now and not ever. I was so tired of tolerating people who use my kindness for weakness. Tired of beating myself up for believing that people should treat others as well as they treat them. When I don’t have to deal with it. Tired of people bringing up my past, my mother’s past and asking personal information about my life, pretending to care when really all they want to do is pick bits and pieces and turn the positive into a negative, make up stories because they just hate the fact that I have no drama going on. Only hearing from siblings when they are in a bind and they need me. A couple of weeks ago when I made it known that it was best that I moved to another state or worked abroad for at least a year, I was made to feel so guilty. But what the hell am I doing here? Why do they really want me here? So they can dig around and bask in my misfortune to take a break from their own miserable lives? Because once I leave, I will no longer be one call away to get them out of a financial bind?

After getting over the initial shock and embarrassment, which took all weekend, I decided now was enough and it is time to remove negativity and bad energy from my life. Not stating that anyone is a bad person but at this time I need nothing but positive energy around me and happiness. Over the weekend, I read several guidebooks, did worksheets on future goals, meditated and breathed fully. I have finally released and emotionally let go of those who have hurt me, humiliated me, put me in bad situations, and just all around neglected me.